2004-02-28 - 8:35 p.m.

On the internal soundtrack: "Is It Really So Strange?", The Smiths

Y'know, I've been having crushes on boys for as long as I can remember, which is back to age 3, approximately. I've always liked boys. Mmmmmm hmm. Boys. I kissed a few, little pecks on the lips, and held hands. I was in love with Erik Wilson (a boy) from grades two through seven or so.

When I was about 14, I think, hormones hit, and I started having, like, sexual reactions to my crushes. Woo! Hoo! Still boys. Yep. I remember the first time it happened, and how startled I was.

I also remember how startled I was, around age 10, when my brother told me what "gay" meant. The concept was so foreign to me that I didn't believe him. It had never occurred to me to want to kiss a girl.

I like the idea of having sex with men. I don't want to have sex with a woman. I just don't, no matter how gorgeous she is. I suppose I could if I had to, but I'd really just rather not. My body and mind are quite definite on that point.

It is this very definiteness, a definiteness that has been constant since I was a young child, that makes me laugh with incredulity at the idea that people can be "swayed" or "lured" into being homosexual. People can be swayed or lured into experimenting, sure. But I don't see how they can be lured into having long-term committed relationships with people of the same gender, in the face of opposition from family, friends, church, and society, unless this is truly the right choice for them. There isn't much point in facing all those obstacles for something you don't want, when it's so much easier to just do what's "normal" and accepted.

So why does the idea persist that homosexual orientation (or any variation other than 100% heterosexuality) is a "choice"?

I understand the whole concept of choosing to engage in sexual acts with a person. That is a different issue. I'm talking about the basic desire to do so with a particular gender: orientation. Whatever causes it, people don't appear to choose that. It's just THERE. In fact, from what I've heard, it's very painful and difficult to live a life trying to deny one's sexual orientation, and coming out of the closet, despite its own set of difficulties, is a huge relief.

BTW, I was looking information about those two guys who founded and left Exodus International (I can't find a first-hand account, or even a second-hand one), and instead I found a fabulous article about accepting homosexuality, from a Christian perspective. There's so much good stuff in it I can't pull a quote, so just go read it.

And on a lighter note, I want you all to know that I am the proud owner of this umbrella.

I. LOVE. IT.

People either smile and say "love the 'brella", or they avoid me like I'm a crazy person. :)

Freakily, the store where I bought it burned down couple months later. Good thing it's available online, so I can replace it as necessary.

Gratuitous photo of the day:

To all you people who mispronounce my name, I say this to you:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Isn't it COOL!? It arrived in the mail yesterday from Kit. Thank you, GIRLFRIEND!!!!!! I got a huge kick out of it, and so did P. :) I know what I'm wearing next time I'm down in NoVa. :)

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