2003-01-13 - 3:34 p.m.

On the internal soundtrack: "C'est le Vent, Betty" (="It's the wind"), from "Betty Blue", by Gabriel Yared

OK, I've completely given up on trying to write organized pieces for this journal. It takes too much time that I'm not willing to spend. You're just going to have to get my disorganized thoughts and make of them what you will.

Had a discussion with Poindexter the other day about people who are constantly bickering over small things in their relationships (consolidated IM, hence the terseness):

-----

Me: Doesn't it seem like most nitpicky problems are caused by an unwillingness (or inability, MAYBE) to change one's little behaviors? Like on the garbage issue, that could be solved if the guy would pay more attention OR if the wife was willing say "Please take the garbage out now" instead of waiting for him to notice that it's overflowing. And if he would do it within 10 minutes. It's not that hard.

Poindexter: Not too hard. It's a matter of being considerate and polite. Presenting shortcomings as reminders rather than a catastrophic failure.

Me: YES! The time to establish "considerate and polite" is early on, too. I really believe that people don't train their mates properly when they can. They let things slide, and then a pattern is established.

Poindexter: Maybe they don't have the proper training skills. Or the willingness to use them.

Me: Well, where'd I get them, then? I trained mySELF on a few things*. Is this kind of thing not learnable?

Poindexter: You're willing.

Me: Maybe I shouldn't be so proud of myself, seeing as how I just sort of magically got the willingness.

Poindexter: You have a different personality.

Me: So, am I better at this because I work at it, or because I have been born with a personality that gives me the willingness?

Poindexter: Both. You have a personality that makes you want to work at it too.

Me: Maybe it's 'cause I'm deaf. I saw that I could do whatever I wanted if I worked at it... So I figured it applied elsewhere in life as well.

-----

Still, have you ever listened to someone complain about how their spouse can never remember to do something that's supposed to be their chore -- like take out the garbage -- and you find that the person just grumbles and takes out the garbage themselves? Certainly I've been guilty of doing that. But the thing is, if you really want the spouse to do the chore, ya gotta let them do it, not do it for them. If you keep doing it for them, they're never going to remember to do it. You don't have to be an asshole about it, just ask, especially if the spouse is willing to accept that if s/he can't remember, s/he must be reminded. Some people, it seems, would rather just bitch and complain rather than work with the spouse to change the behavior. Or maybe some spouses aren't willing to change their behavior. I don't know.

What I do know is: If Poindexter wants me to change an annoying habit, I'll try to do it. It's a reasonable request. He's not asking me to fundamentally change who I am, he's asking me to break a bad habit.

*The thing I trained myself to do was to leave the toilet LID down as well as the seat. In my house growing up, the girls left the lid up, and the boys left the seat and the lid up. Then I meet Poindexter, who somehow along the way decided that an open toilet was gross, and got in the habit of leaving the lid down. He made fun of me, and this was early on in the relationship when I was still trying to impress him (nowadays, it's hopeless; he knows me too well ;). So of course I had to train myself to leave the lid down. And I did.

(Currently I'm working on remembering to close drawers and cabinet doors. It's tough.)

Meandering even further: Why do I have this drive to change things I don't like? Why are some people stuck in ruts of complaining but not changing? Do they care enough to bitch, but not enough to change? Or is the change harder than dealing with the situation they don't like? I'm using a lot of trivial examples here, but this can apply to some serious life-altering situations. I guess I'm just baffled by how some people don't seem to understand that they have a choice in almost everything. (And I'm not talking about people with depression, either, which is a whole 'nother ballgame.)

The only thing Poindexter could remember that I complain about but do nothing to change are the twice-monthly pimples I get. The aggravation of a few zits is much less than the aggravation of the side effects of the medications one must take, so I just complain sometimes. I've tried to stop complaining around Poindexter, though, and I have some good cover-up (makeup) now. That helps. I also try to remind myself that it's only three zits. Could be a lot worse.

And one more comment about relationships -- words of wisdom from Carolyn Hax:

"...I've seriously come to question that whole 'relationships are hard work' mantra. Sometimes, yes, you have to set aside your self-interests when you've had a bad night but the person on the other side of the bed has had a worse one and it's your turn to get up and let the dog out. But in my personal life and in this column I see SO many people working working working at stuff that should be a pleasure. Like, finding things you enjoy doing together. If you get in a fight every time you want to watch sports and he wants to go on a romantic stroll, why are you even together? Life is hard enough."

Gratuitous photo of the day:

I'm watching the MIL put candles on my niece's birthday cake, I think. Notice one of the aforementioned zits on my chin. Ha! And btw, that is my FAVORITE T-SHIRT. Three New Beetles in a row, which my SIL found for me at a dollar store. She actually apologized for getting me such a cheap shirt, but it is MY FAVORITE SHIRT.

previous index next