2001-07-24 - 10:36 a.m.

On the internal soundtrack: Theme music from "Sex and the City"

So, I am home. I am tired. I was tired all weekend. Too much going on, so I wake up too early feeling expectant, and didn't have Poindexter there to lull me back to sleep.

Poindexter, being the perfect husband that he is, spent the weekend doing the following:

- Moving the computers and "theater" back into the now-repaired rec room (which got the brunt of the flood damage)

- Moving everything but the furniture out of the living room, since they're replacing the hardwood floor this week

- Hanging things on the walls that had previously just been collecting dust in the storage room

He says, "When you go to NJ, I get lonely and bored so I get productive."

I'm amazed. If it were me, I'd be laying around reading all weekend and would rush to get about 10% of what he did done in the two hours before he got home.

The rest of this entry is on TMI alert. Too Much Information about a trip to a nude beach. You've been warned.

In this next section, I get very mean. I cuss constantly. I mean, a lot. I'm not actually that mad, but I'm at the high end of "irritated", and am therefore blowing off steam.

I was pissed. Ordinarily I have a soft spot for nice guys who are a little socially inept, but when overwhelmed with them while being one of a very small population of women on a nude beach, I just couldn't take it. I wanted a sign on my hat that said, "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."

Before you go thinking I'm unbearably conceited or something like that, rest assured that 99% of the reason we were being hit on is because we were probably the only pair of non-male-accompanied females on the beach. Every other woman we saw in our section of the beach was with at least one guy.

Now, I WOULD have BROUGHT a GUY with me, but ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE WHO WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO ATTEND A NUDE BEACH WITH ARE TOO AFRAID OF OTHER MEN'S PENISES TO GO.

Fuckers.

So, my day at the beach. It turned out very nice in the end, but the beginning was horrific.

Have I stressed enough yet in this forum that, for me, BEING NAKED AT THE BEACH IS NOT ABOUT SEX, OR MEETING MEN, OR LOOKING AT PARTS?!?!

Being naked is just a natural state for me. Like breathing. If I want to be seductive, I put lingerie on. Being at the nudist beach has nothing to do with sex or being sexy. I feel much sexier with a bikini on, because naked is just, well, naked.

Did you ever stop to think why those girls in Playboy always have SOMETHING on, whether it's jewelry or a scarf or heels or underwear they're removing? It's because plain old naked is boring after a while. If your SO walks around naked all the time, eventually it starts to look normal and stops being titillating, which is why clothes are a good idea sometimes. To keep you guessing.

However, I realize not everyone thinks this way. There are some people who can't ever separate nudity and sex.

I hate these people.

The problem that, inevitably, a nude beach is going to attract them. I know this, and am prepared for them, but I had hoped to do better at avoiding them.

I think I was spoiled by Higbee, which was relatively unknown, harder to get to, and therefore not very crowded. The section I went to was full of older (fifty-plus) married couples. It was like being at the beach with everybody's grandparents.

Gunnison Beach, by contrast, is HUGE, it is the only nude beach for hundreds of miles, and everybody knows about it, so it's PACKED. There are usually over 10,000 people there on a given summer day. And, unfortunately, it was about 70% male, and less than half were gay, and of the straights, less than half were in a couple. We wandered around trying to find some couples or women to sit near, and it was tough. The place is loaded with single men, all by themselves.

Well, I guess they can't very well go with their straight male friends, huh? Fucking homophobes.

So, yes, I was irritated.

Advice alert: If you are a straight male, thinking about attending a nude beach, excited about seeing all the naked girlies, I have news for you:

THE WOMEN ON THE BEACH ARE NOT NECESSARILY THERE TO MEET MEN!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY IF THEY AREN'T PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO YOU BEFORE YOU COME OVER!!!!!!!

Argh.

We had a couple run-ins with overly friendly, desperate men who weren't aware that they weren't welcome.

If women are not holding up their end of the conversation, if they are only answering your questions minimally and not batting the conversational ball back to you with chatter or questions, THEY ARE JUST BEING POLITE AND WOULD RATHER BE LEFT ALONE.

Amy had to flat-out tell one of them that, not to be rude or anything, but she was at the beach to spend time with me and her son.

Other lines we considered and rejected:

"I'm sorry, we're, ahem, together, you know."

We figured that would just excite them overmuch. Not the point.

"Our husbands told us not to talk to other men."

Well, mine actually did (does it every time I leave the house), but this makes me sound like a weenie.

I don't mind the occasional short conversation. There was a guy nearby that I chatted with briefly with, but he didn't fucking set up camp with us.

Another guy caught up with me when I was walking back to the car (in my bathing suit), and our conversation went like this:

Evelynne: [Buckling her sandal]
Weird Guy: Do you speak English?
Evelynne: [Briefly considering saying "Nein"] Yeah, why?
Weird Guy: Oh, I thought you might be from France or something
Evelynne: You gotta be fucking kidding me No, I'm an American.
Weird Guy: So, is this your first time at the nude beach?
Evelynne: This one, yes. I've been to another.
Weird Guy: Oh, it's my first time.
Evelynne: Really. Oh, okay, a newbie. How d'ya like it?
Weird Guy: I like it. I was nervous before, though, I was worried about what might happen if I got, you know, excited.
Evelynne: Oh my fucking god, why can't he talk to another guy about this?! *I* don't have this problem! There's not much to be excited about here [gestures at 70% male]
Weird Guy: Well, y'know, if I saw someone attractive and got excited, you know, that would be embarrassing.
Evelynne: You're being embarrassing right now. Well, y'know, just roll over on your towel or go for a swim. Well, here's the rest room, nice meeting you, bye!

As if that wasn't bad enough, I get out to the parking lot and a guy in an SUV comes by.

"Hey, is this Gunnison Beach?"

I answered yes. I could see in my peripheral vision that he's not wearing anything. This is normal behavior for militant nudists so it did not faze me.

At least, not until he asks,

"Is that

(omigod

where

(what is he doing)

you were?"

(with his hand in his lap?)

It was still in my peripheral vision, and I wasn't going to look or stick around to find out. I walked away. Quickly.

Jesus Fucking Christ. I was furious. I was ready to turn around and go home. But since I hadn't actually seen anything, I decided to assume he was scratching his leg and try to get on with my day. In fact, I'm doing an excellent job of assuming that and avoiding being psychologically scarred by the situation.

Thankfully, once we got rid of the overly friendly pests and the perverts, we were left alone for the next two hours and had a lovely day. We played in the tidal pool with the kid, talked to a couple of other moms whose kids wandered over to play with Amy's kid, and mellowed out.

The weather was perfect. It was nice, warm, pleasant, and uneventful.

There was a decent mix of clothed and not. I liked this. In any particular group (often families, usually -- I saw a woman and her husband nude, and the woman's sister had a suit), some wore bathing suits and some didn't. It's nice that the option is there, so that people can do what they're comfortable with and everybody can be happy.

Amy said she'd go back again, but we agreed wholeheartedly that we need a bigger group. Preferably with some big, preferably gay, men who will frighten the straight ones away.

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