2001-06-18 - 4:39 p.m.

On the internal soundtrack: "Who Are You?" by The Who.

Argh. I'm all worked up.

Stacey just asked me to be Lee's godmother. I was really honored. I'd love to be Lee's godmother. It made me feel so good to be asked.

Problem is, I can't do it.

I am not a practicing Catholic. They are baptizing him in the Catholic Church, so the godparents must be practicing Catholics, and Stacey's priest wants a letter from my parish saying that I'm a Catholic in good standing.

I'll pause here and let you savor the ridiculousness of the idea of me being a "Catholic in good standing". I only go to Mass as a family-togetherness sort of thing for my mother. Even then, I don't take Communion. I am not married in the Church. Most importantly, really, I don't believe in God as the Catholic Church defines it. The chances of me voluntarily attending a Mass of my own volition are nearly nonexistent. (And the only reason I say "nearly" is only because I like to keep my options open in terms of making statements about myself.)

I could get around it, I suppose. I could register with my parish here, saying I didn't know registration was necessary (which is completely true) or say I hadn't registered down here and ask my old parish in NJ to make the letter.

But that would involve lying. And I am SO not good at lying. I'm good at omitting, as in, just not telling people stuff, but outright lying, no. I would feel so uncomfortable. Not to mention it goes against the Church's teachings.

On one hand, I feel like maybe I should do it for Stacey. She doesn't have a problem with bending the rules (many Catholics don't -- more on this later), largely because it doesn't matter to her whether I am Catholic or not. She knows that if I were to have to take over raising Lee, that I would do whatever she wanted me to in terms of raising him Catholic.

Nevertheless, to me it feels tremendously disrespectful to pretend I am practicing when I am not. This is the reason I would not pretend to be practicing just to get married in the Church. It felt hypocritical of me and disrespectful to the people there who truly believe and attend Mass every Sunday and do their best to abide by the rules.

I'd be curious to know what some of you -- especially the Catholics, practicing or not -- think about this situation.

Might as well take this opportunity to talk a little about the whole Catholic thing.

My mom comes from an Irish-Italian family. Very Catholic all around. Crucifixes in every home. She went to Catholic school. She believes very much in her Church. My dad's family was Episcopalian, but he converted sometime early in their marriage. From what I hear there are only about three things that differentiate the two churches, beliefs-wise.

My brother and I went to Mass every single Sunday and Holy Day of our lives until we left home. Not going to Mass was not an option. We had First Communion, were confirmed, all that. Went to CCD classes all the way up through senior year in high school.

I know that when I was young, I believed in God. The whole man-upstairs thing. He was watching and listening and he could help me out when I was having trouble, and he'd smite me down if I was bad.

I tried reading the Bible once, being a big reader and all, and quit in disgust when I got to the part in the Old Testament where some sisters were "laying with" their drunken father to get themselves pregnant. It's possible that the population had been decimated and they were trying to rebuild it, but I didn't care. It was gross.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing. I don't have much trouble with the idea that there might be some kind of higher power -- whatever it is that makes the difference between "alive" and "dead" is a pretty amazing thing -- but I do have issues with the idea that there's some being micromanaging our lives. If it gives people comfort to believe that someone's looking after them, and if practicing a religion gives them a structure to their lives, I'm all for it. I envy them, even. It just doesn't work for me.

So, as soon as I went to college, I quit going to church except with my parents. I haven't missed it. I don't even feel that I belong there. I feel like an outsider looking in, and I don't want to belong, either.

There seems to be a fairly common view among Catholics who have the basic belief in the Trinity that I lack. They seem to view the Church as something that can be changed and improved upon, much like how people see government. "It ain't perfect, but we're working on it." If there are a few rules they disagree with, they just disregard them, chalking it up to a bunch of crabby old white men. This I understand. If you have the basic beliefs, the details don't matter too much.

But what gets me is, Catholicism in general is so big on details! It's all about the details! If you took away the details it would be just be Protestant! So why not just join a Protestant religion, or whatever fits best with your beliefs?

I suppose for some people it might just be what's familiar. Catholicism has a lot of cool ceremonial stuff, and their older churches are a sight more interesting in terms of knick-knacks and interior decorating. It's got a longer history, too. Also, maybe some people enjoy the familiar repetition of the Mass. I know a few people who find it comforting, particularly during difficult times in their lives.

A man I know is not a practicing Catholic, but when he wanted to get married, he and his wife "pretended" to be practicing and did all the requisite stuff so that they could get married in the Church. This appears to be quite common among Catholics. This is something that baffles me. If you don't believe in it enough to attend Mass regularly and follow the rules, what do you want to be a Catholic for?

Apparently it's better to be a "bad" Catholic, or a Catholic in name only, than not to be a Catholic at all. There's a lot of peer pressure from the Catholics you know to stick with it.

I feel the opposite, though: I'd rather be honest and not participate than pretend I believe.

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