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Terry Lee
2001-06-05 - 12:03 a.m.
On the internal soundtrack: "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band", Beatles
Hi, everybody. I'm up in NJ right now. My grandfather is not doing well at all. Basically no one thinks he has much time left.
It sucks. Not so much because I'm going to lose him -- in most ways I've lost him already -- but because he's suffering. I keep worrying about him. I hope he's comfortable. They're giving him morphine but he's having problems with fluid in his lungs and he's worrying about himself. He's so weak he can't really move anymore.
It just fucking sucks.
Is there anything worse than watching a loved one suffer? I don't think there is. Aside from holding his hand and feeding him ice chips, I'm completely helpless. There's nothing I can do except be there. And yes, I know that probably means a lot to him, but it the fact that it IS all I can do is what bothers me.
The one comforting thing is that underneath how much he's deteriorated, he's still himself. He still calls me "my dear beloved granddaughter", I still see some of the same facial expressions I love, he still emphasizes his words the same way he always has and he's still making sure he knows everybody's name -- he knows all the nurses and aides who come in to help him.
Sigh. He's such a sweetheart.
I hope he's doing okay tonight.
