2001-05-31 - 11:06 p.m.

On the internal soundtrack: The tune the Marquis de Sade is always humming in "Quills"

Ugh. "Quills" started out wonderfully, and at the end became one violent, horrible scene after another. I have no stomach for this shit. I'm really queasy right now. If you're the same way, watch the movie until the fire starts and then just stop.

Geoffrey Rush, by the way, is utterly amazing. Incredible, multidimensional performance.

All right. Looks vs. attractiveness.

You may remember I mentioned John Halcyon Styn a few entries ago. I mentioned how I liked his openness, flamboyance, and love of flowers, and said that the abs didn't hurt.

Kevin noted this with some amusement, and pointed me towards Jaffo's journal about Halcyon. (This journal also contains a link to Jaffo's journal about "Cowboy Timmy". I highly recommend that you read it all. Just read Jaffo, period. Whether you agree or disagree, he makes you think and feel.)

Given that I had expressed a certain fondness for Halcyon and mentioned his looks, Kevin asked me what I thought.

Well, jeez, where to start?

First, I would like to say there has never been a "Cowboy Timmy" in my life. I don't think that the Cowboy Timmy bullshit ("perfect setting", perfect "look", admiring some underappreciated, non-sexual body part, etc.) would work very well on me for very long. I like openness. I like honesty. Something about Cowboy Timmy feels fundamentally dishonest to me. It's all a role. I don't like actors; I like real people.

There were a few comments in Jaffo's journal which got a strong reaction out of me. I will list the comments here with my reactions. It's very important to remember that my interpretation of the comments, or the direction I'm taking with them, is NOT necessarily what Jaffo intended. I am simply using his comments, sometimes slightly out of context, as a jumping off point to talk about some stuff I've been thinking about.

"John is the guy your girlfriend wishes you were."

Frankly, if you are with a woman who truly wishes you were John Styn, you had best get rid of her. She's not the woman for you. There's a world of difference between thinking John Styn is nifty and wanting to trade your boyfriend for him. And if she might wish you worked out a little bit, well, have you ever wished she'd lose a few pounds or dress more sexily? It's not the same thing as wanting a different person.

You know that girl in the front row in drama class, the cheerleader with the blonde hair and the bulging bra? While you're dreaming about her, she's dreaming about John.

Don't forget, while you're dreaming about the girl in the front row, there's another girl behind you studying the back of your head and memorizing every one of your mannerisms. She writes her first name in her notebook followed by your last name. She's got a brilliant brain and is a kind person, but she's mousy and shy and flat-chested, so she slipped under your radar.

It goes both ways. Many people pine after someone unattainable and fail to notice the good folks right under their noses.

The truth is, if you're pining for a girl who doesn't think you're good enough for her, she's not good enough for you.

"I really want to hear from women who find him attractive, but don't find him interesting."

This is the comment that really sparked this entry. I'm not really sure what Jaffo meant here, but as I said, I have my own direction to take.

To me, and to a great many women I know, finding someone attractive and not finding him interesting are mutually exclusive. If he's not interesting, he loses his attractiveness no matter how technically good-looking he is.

There's a big difference between "good-looking" and "attractive". I find photos of John fun to look at, but at this point I can't say I find him attractive. If I met him in person and liked him a great deal, maybe I would. I have no idea. When it comes to actually being attracted to people, well-defined muscles are waaaaaaaaaaaay down on the list, so far down they may as well not be on it*.

Similarly, people can be attractive who are not "good-looking" in a general sense of the word. There have been people in my life that I have been massively attracted to -- we're talking weak-at-the-knees, can't-breathe, can-think-of-nothing-else attracted. These people have been every size and shape imaginable, and not many of them fit, say, Hollywood's idea of what's attractive. Some of them have even been called "fat" or "ugly" by others, but it didn't make any difference to me. They made my heart go pitty-pat, and that was that.

While there are certain physical characteristics that will attract my attention (floppy hair, for example), personality is crucial to me in determining whether I find a person attractive.

Renee basically wrote this for me in her journal entry last night. I can't tell you how many times I've seen someone who was technically "good-looking" and had them get progressively uglier to me the longer I talked to them and found out just how shallow and boring they really were. Similarly, some of the biggest crushes I've had in my life developed over time. Someone I thought was ordinary looking or even plain will turn out to be funny, kind, and have a fascinating brain, and suddenly one day I realize I am madly, insanely attracted to this person. And then they begin to look beautiful.

Becoming attracted to people over time began to happen to me when I was about 18. Jim the Lifeguard. :) He looked nothing like what lifeguards are supposed to look like (he had red hair, freckles, and a belly), but one day, boom, there was the attraction. Before that my interests were more shallow and based mostly on looks, largely because I was so freakin' shy I never got to know any of my crushes.

There have been times when I was attracted to men who were quite my opposite. Dark, brooding guys who were never happy. There was a sort of "opposites attract" kind of thing going on there. I was drawn to them because they were different. But I always knew that a long-term relationship with such a person would never work out, and so never even considered it a possibility. These are the people I mean when I say you're not supposed to marry someone just because you love them.

I think I'm digressing.

One really weird instance that illustrates the importance of personality to me is in movie actors. The level of "attraction" I feel (as far as that goes in someone I've never met) depends greatly on the character they're playing. Someone I found despicable in one movie will suddenly turn around and seem kinda cute in another (Ray Liotta in one of his "bad" roles versus something like his "Shoeless Joe Jackson" role is a good example). Or look at Ewan McGregor -- you've heard me blather on about him quite a bit. He is PLAIN. He's pale and skinny and looks washed out, and he has a big ol' mole right smack in the middle of his forehead. But his smile and sense of fun electrifies his looks for me and turns him into an enormously attractive person.

"(For the record, I think Bill has outlasted the voter's tolerance, but would an ugly man get away with all the shit WJC and JFK did?)"

WJC and JFK are ugly men. Well, JFK is plain with small eyes. WJC is ugly. On the other hand, Reagan and the two George Bushes are cute, George Sr. less so.

Just goes to show how important someone's political ideology and the apparent value he places on marital faithfulness is in determining their attractiveness to me. :)

Hanah also had interesting things to say.

I agree with Hanah that attractiveness is subjective. There are certain things (symmetry of features is probably one of them) that are nearly universally appreciated, but there are plenty of times that convential ideas -- thinness, muscles, whatever -- simply do not apply. How else to explain people who crush on Steve Buscemi, or my onetime crush on Chris Farley?

I was particularly impressed with this, which I'll just quote here:

"Most people in this world are not looking for someone like you. But that doesn't mean that they're all looking for the same thing. The only thing they have in common is the "not-you." Probably about the same number of people find you attractive as find anyone else in the world attractive."

Well, that's probably very true. Anytime I start to feel bad about the people I know were unrequitedly attracted to me, I remember all the guys I was unrequitedly attracted to. It's a loooooooooooong list.

*Well, might as well make the list of attractive traits.

Personality traits that make a person attractive (these are all more or less required if I'm going to be attracted to someone):

- Being comfortable with one's self (self-esteem, I suppose)
- A positive attitude
- Not easily angered
- Sense of humor and fun
- Being comfortable with one's body (relaxed, not uptight)
- THINKS about things (introspective)
- Smiles and laughs a lot
- Attentive during conversation (not easily distracted by other people in the room when you're talking)
- NICE
- Obnoxious/loud

(I know those last two sound oxymoronic, but they're not. You can be obnoxious without being mean.)

A few physical traits I'm a sucker for (but are not required):

- Floppy or long hair
- A face that lights up when the person smiles
- Full lips
- Light dusting of freckles on the nose

previous index next