2004-01-10 - 11:25 p.m.

On the internal soundtrack: Theme from "The Monkees"

This entry is going to have a bunch of random bits of writing that I started and didn't finish, or that I wrote in someone else's journal in comments. I wanted to preserve it, but I didn't want to spend time establishing context and working up segues, so it'll be disjointed.

A lot of my LJ-energy last week was spent e-mailing my girlfriend and talking to a friend (in a protected entry, sorry) about relationship stuff. Here are some excerpts:

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Well, OK, when I was 16 my family went out to visit Poindexter's family in CA (our grandfathers were friends who met in WWII). This was when we met, and I had a huge crush on him right from the start. Midway through the visit, he left to go see the Monsters of Rock concert on an overnight trip. That night, instead of sleeping on the floor, I got to sleep IN HIS BED. I was IN HIS BED, MAN, where he SLEPT. Never mind that I didn't get all excited about sitting on the same couch he sat on or anything like that.

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Do you know, I told Sam (my college boyfriend) in the first few months of our relationship that if he didn't open up to me more, our relationship wouldn't last. I was about to break up with him at the year mark and he opened up a considerable amount after a traumatic event happened to him, so I stayed. But I was never truly happy -- I was always asking for more than he wanted to give. And when I met (re-met) the person who WANTED to give me all I wanted and more, I realized that I'd been wrong to try to settle for less, or to try to get Sam to give more than he wanted/was able to.

Never mind me -- Sam deserves someone who loves him as wholly and unreservedly as I love Poindexter. I think he's found it, too, so I'm glad.

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...you're the only person you have any control over, here! You need to know who YOU are, what YOU want, what you can put up with and what's a deal-breaker, before you know what you truly have to offer another person. And the clearer your idea is of what those things are, the easier it is to recognize your match when she comes along. And I really do believe that she will. :)

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I was mulling this while I was doing the dishes just now, and my mind wandered to the times I've had difficulty telling Poindexter things. It happens -- in fact it happened a month or two ago, and I can't even remember what the hell it was! :) I just remember that I had to sit there and start to talk and then stop and look away and then try to start again. It was so hard! I think I was partly embarrassed and partly worried that what I was saying would make him feel bad, which I didn't want. It turned out that he understood what I was saying and didn't take offense, and we resolved it, I guess, which is why I can't remember what it was about. :)

Anyway, thinking about this, I realized something: If this is the right woman for you, and she's in the right place on Kit's "relationship meter", she will make it easier for you to [open up and be honest about what you're feeling]. Because she'll be open to it. Because she'll want you to tell her, she'll be able to keep herself from getting knee-jerk defensive, and she'll want to do what she can to help make the situation better.

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I talked to the same friend about Philadelphia, too:

I think the annexation of Philly happened in the mid-1800s -- before that, all of [its neighborhoods] were actually separate towns. Until then, only Center City was actually the City of Philadelphia. When I first moved here, I thought that was why it was called a "city of neighborhoods". But it's more complicated than that.

One thing that's interesting is that many of these people are second- and third-generation residents of these neighborhoods, something that is almost unfathomable to me. Until I moved here, I spent my adult life in DC, where everyone is from somewhere else. My high school classmates are scattered all over the WORLD. I've lived in 4 different metropolitan areas, myself. And yet here in Philly I am constantly meeting people who were born and raised here and never lived anywhere else. This mentality is very different from what I'm used to, and it fascinates me. There's a woman in my neighborhood who has lived on the same BLOCK for fifty years (she moved twice, but stayed on the same block). Amazing.

Here are the kinds of things make me nuts/resentful about organizing and trying to keep the house neat:

- All the items I need to keep for the IRS: pay stubs, 3+ years of bank statements (they can audit up to 10 years later, though!), receipts of improvements to the house, etc. etc.

- All the FUCKING JUNK MAIL I get every day that I am forced to look at because they make it look so similar to important mail from my credit cards and bank.

In case you missed it, here's the photo I submitted for Mark's 2003 Year End Cutie of the Day Review (be sure to click the link -- it's just photo after photo of gorgeous women):

I took over 20 photos in that damn dress and that was the ONLY ONE that was even TOLERABLE, and it's completely over-the-top. I never look like that in real life. The pose was an accident -- I think Poindexter had reminded me that I look better in photos with my chin slightly up, so I lifted it, and he caught me in mid-blink. Nevertheless, it's quite entertaining to see myself looking like a 1950s starlet, so there it is.

My MIL gave me that dress. She got it at Marshall's or something. Awesome, innit? Sequins! It's the fanciest dress I own. I've never worn it, because I haven't had the occasion. New Year's Eve would be good, obviously, but the dress is too COLD. If I ever spend New Year's in a warm climate I'll wear it. Good thing I found an interim use for it.

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