2001-09-07 - 2:58 p.m.

On the internal soundtrack: "Get it on (Bang a Gong)", T. Rex

Here's what's on my mind today:

(Disclaimer: You would be wrong if you extrapolated that all extroverts are like the two extroverts I discuss here. Wipe your feet and leave your generalizations on the back porch, please.)

One of my high school girlfriends is an extrovert. Always has to have people around. I like her a lot, and enjoy visiting with her. She's always inviting me to parties she throws up in NJ, and I have to keep politely turning her down. I feel bad, y'know, turning her down all the time.

But here's the problem. I am very much a person who prefers one-on-one focus with people. I think about six (including me and Poindexter) is about the most I can comfortably handle. After that, I can't focus enough on each individual for me to be happy.

I do enjoy the occasional party, flitting about talking to one person after another. This is a fun thing to do. But when people I care about are involved, people who are important to me, ten minutes of banter at a party before we flit off to talk to others just doesn't cut it. I'm certainly not going to travel three hours just to do that. I'll travel three hours to have a long lunch with her, yes. Not to go to her party.

Here's the thing that I don't get: People like this give me the feeling that it's really important to them that I be there. They don't just send out the invitation; they follow up with "You're gonna come to the party, right?" and the puppy-dog eyes. So I feel like I'm letting them down when I say no.

But then I go to the goddamn party, and there's people there I don't know and might not even like (or at least, not enough to travel three hours to see them), and I get to spend all of ten minutes with my friend. So I'm left feeling deprived of being with my friend, not to mention I feel like it doesn't really matter to her whether I was there or not, except as a space-filler of some sort. But even that's not true, because the couple of parties I've been to were completely packed with people. She's an extrovert. She has a LOT of friends.

There was a guy in college that I had a crush on (one of my hundreds of undeclared and probably unrequited crushes, the bastards), who was constantly inviting me places with him. He'd persuade me to go, borderline begging/pleading. So I'd agree, and then I'd get there and there'd be this whole group of people with him, and he would essentially be unaware that I was there. If he spoke to me at all, it was because I approached him, and it wouldn't last more than a couple of sentences.

Needless to say, after a few episodes like this -- crush or no crush -- I quit going, and stuck to dormitory conversations and the occasional one-on-one lunch.

What is going on here? Does it really matter to these people whether I am there or not? I know these people LIKE me for me. To say I was just a space-filler is unfair to them. But I still don't quite understand why they make it sound like I'm so necessary at this party or gathering when I'm not. Or is my mere presence something that makes them happy, with actual interaction being a distant second on the priority list?

Me, well, I don't settle for mere presence. I like detailed interaction, dammit. I think I've just discovered the real reason why we don't throw big parties. And here I thought it was because I didn't want the stress of feeding and watering/boozing all those people in my cozy nest.

God, don't I sound whiny? It's hard to explain. I like parties, I like flitting and meeting new people. But that kind of limited, shallow contact is not enough when it comes to people I care about.

See the thing is, I'm probably approaching this from the wrong perspective. When I like people, I want to spend time with them one-on-one, so I get to hear what they have to say and enjoy them. I enjoy people primarily as individuals, not as groups. If you're someone who enjoys people en masse -- maybe because you enjoy the interplay you get in a big group with many different personalities contributing -- a one-on-one conversation would seem lacking to you because it's one-dimensional. I don't know.

"Approaching from the wrong persective" reminds me of something funny involving my understanding of people's behavior.

I have a very nosy, in-your-face family, who want to be involved in everything the others are doing. If you bring a friend to the house, they want to visit with the friend too. They want to know everything you're up to, how things are going, all that.

Some people might find this stifling, I guess, but I was used to it. It makes me feel cherished and appreciated that my parents were (and still are) so interested in my life. If I wanted time alone with a friend, I'd just go somewhere else. Otherwise, whoever's in the room gets to participate, is how I figured it.

So imagine how it must have been for me when I first spent a weekend at my college boyfriend's house, and every time he and I entered a room -- the kitchen, living room, TV room, whatever -- after a short period of time his parents would leave the room.

Initially, I was almost hurt by this. First I thought it was my imagination, or a coincidence. Then I thought it meant they didn't like me, since they never wanted to stay and chat with us.

Me being up-front get-it-all-out me, I finally asked why they didn't want to spend time with me. He was surprised and said, "They're not ignoring you, they're giving us some privacy!"

Well. Now imagine how he must have felt with my parents hanging around us all the time when he came to visit us. :) Must have been a little tough to take at first.

Funny how your perspective, the framework you have that your experience has given you, colors how you perceive things. And it happens all the time, too. Most interestingly, it colors how people perceive the things that I write. I'll take great pains to be as clear as I possibly can, and yet still people interpret it differently because of their own frame of reference. It never ceases to amuse me. If any of you have a good story along these lines, be sure to tell me about it.

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